your questions, answered

Yes.  We offer Grief support and Grief Yoga® classes and workshops to military commands, businesses, non-profits, families, and groups both over Zoom and in person. 

No.  Soul midwifery is non-denominational and not aligned with any particular faith or religion. We are there to provide deep and consistent companionship and spiritual support during the dying process.  All faith traditions are honored and if religious support is requested, recommendations will be made and support will be given to acquire them.

Absolutely not.  Working on, accepting, moving forward with your grief is about having your grief witnessed.  It is about allowing yourself space to feel your loss and learning to live compassionately with it instead of resisting and pushing it away every time it surfaces.  This actually helps us to live with our loved ones who died even more!  We welcome in their memories without fear of falling apart (sometimes falling apart is necessary!) and allow our grief to breathe as we release the heaviness and burden of it.

The five stages, created by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  They are part of a framework that assists us in learning to live with the one we lost.  The stages act as tools to help identify what we may be feeling but they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief because grief is not linear.  Not everyone goes through all of the stages and there is particular order in which they may be experienced.  In fact, some people may not even experience a certain stage or stages in the process.  The five stages were meant to bring understanding to emotions within grief not to check off miles on your grief journey heading to a finish line. Grief is messy, its path is messy, and there is no finish line.  *There is a sixth stage of grief that David Kessler wrote about called finding meaning.  In this stage we have experienced our grief, journeyed with it and made space for it to coexist in our lives in a way that we can now honor our loss and grief story.   It is not a pinnacle or finish line, however, as we continue our journey with grief in and out of all of the stages for the rest of our lives. 

Grief is not solely a series of events, or stages that we go through.  Our society does not like pain and grief is, what I believe, the most painful experience in our lives.  There is no quick fix for grief.  Although our losses take place in a moment, its aftermath lasts a lifetime.  The healing comes by feeling and witnessing it not pushing it away and covering it up.  Grief never goes away or lessens.  Instead, we have an opportunity to learn how to live our life bigger around it.  We may even discover a meaning of and way to honor the grief as we live on.   

First, let me say that you are wonderful to be concerned about your friend/family member. 

There is no wrong way to grieve. Grief journeys are unique to everyone and every grief journey taken is the right path.  Allowing each person to grieve in their own way and own time is incredibly important.  Yes, it can be very painful to watch someone grieving…and remember that the loss was incredible painful to them.  We often want to help but our help may feel like pressure and grief can already feel like a pressure chamber of emotions inside that want to explode out at any given time or place.  Grievers are trying their best to “keep it together” because our grief may be too painful to bare yet. 

Here are 4 helpful things to do to support someone who is grieving:

1.     Listen to them without trying to fix them.  It is such a relief to be able to have our authentic grief witnessed without fear of wondering what the person is going to say back.  Grievers aren’t broken they are grieving.

2.  Share resources without expectation.  Sharing resources is usually the easy part of this one.  It is the “without expectation” that typically gives people more difficulty.  Grievers often get bombarded with resources, caring texts, emails, phone calls, and “what do you need” messages.  The trouble is in grief we tend to feel like we are moving in slow motion and the world around us is speeding by.  So, when you share resources, let your share be the care.  Do not worry if the person doesn’t attend the grief group or attend the class you suggested.  Know that for them, the kindness is in your action to share and let them make the choice when/if it is best for them. 

3.   Allow their “grief bursts” to be witnessed and heard even if you would grieve differently or think they should be “over it”.   After months or even years, grief may bubble up without warning and overwhelm may be reached rather quickly.  There is no timeline to grief and even the 5 stages of grief that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler wrote about don’t go in order!  No matter how you would grieve allow your friend/family member’s unique grief journey to be witnessed with gentleness and compassion.

4.   Especially if the person is newly grieving, step in and help.  Often, we are too lost in our sorrow and pain to know what we need.  If we know a need the process to call/message to ask for help, explain what to do, etc seems insurmountable.  Feel free to ask what you can do to help but if you see something that you can do, do it.  For example, if you are at their house checking in with them and you see the trash is full, take it out.  If there are dishes in the sink, do them.  Bring over food so they don’t have to cook. Offer to pick up their kids, babysit, help with their yard, take them on errands, pick up some groceries.  These small things to you will be a huge help for them!

A powerful way to assist someone else is by actually being the example yourself.  Step into the work yourself and let them see how it impacts you.  The results of your work may get them curious! 

From Grief.com by David Kessler

1. I am so sorry for your loss.

2. I wish I had the right words, just know I care.

3. I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.

4. You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.

5. My favorite memory of your loved one is…

6. I am always just a phone call away.

7. Give a hug instead of saying something.

8. We all need help at times like this, I am here for you.

9. I am usually up early or late, if you need anything.

10. Saying nothing, just be with the person.

- From Grief.com by David Kessler

1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young.

2. He is in a better place.

3. She brought this on herself.

4. There is a reason for everything.

5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for a while now.

6. You can still have another child.

7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him.

8. I know how you feel.

9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.

10. Be strong.

From Grief.com by David Kessler

-       Supportive, but not trying to fix it

-       About feelings

-       Non active, not telling anyone what to do

-       Admitting can’t make it better

-       Not asking for something or someone to change feelings

-       Recognize loss

-       Not time limited

From Grief.com by David Kessler

-       Want to fix the loss

-       Are about our discomfort

-       Directive in nature

-       Rationalize or try to explain loss

-       May be judgmental

-       May minimize the loss

-       Put a timeline on loss

Many people feel that children should not be allowed at funerals, either because the children will be upset or they may be distracting. Personally, what I have experienced in being a child at a funeral and, as an adult, having my children attend a funeral is that children can often bring a comforting sense of calmness and lightness to the heaviness.  I remember being at many funerals in my childhood and how it seemed really special to my family to honor those that had died.  Yes, I remember the sadness and tears but I also remember that my family would smile when they looked at me.  My daughter attended my Grandma’s funeral and when she saw my father crying she reached out and held his hand.  My dad seemed so grateful for that little hand holding his. 

When making the choice, I’d invite you to think of a funeral like you would any other formal event such as a wedding, graduation, etc. 

Here are 3 tips to help prepare your child if you choose to have them at a funeral: 

1.     Prior preparation. Share with them the parts of the ceremony, where they’ll be sitting, for how long, and that people may be crying. If the child wants to go, honor it. If the child says he doesn’t want to go, honor it. If he’s old enough to understand, explain that funerals allow us as the living to say good-bye to the deceased.

2.  Support. If you think you may be too busy at the ceremony or are grieving too much yourself to help your child, plan ahead and assign a trusted friend or family member to watch and care for them.  This will give both you and your child the support needed. Assigning someone prior to the ceremony takes the weight off of your shoulders and makes sure that there is someone to comfort and care for your child if they get upset and are grieving too.  Grief is natural and normal so teaching your child that it is ok to be sad can be a beautiful gift.

3.   Chat about the funeral afterwards. Talk about what happened, what things meant, what they thought of it, their feelings. By helping your children to understand the ceremony and loss they may help you to see it from other perspectives too like how beautiful things in the room were or how amazing the music was.